Really?!?!

Patron #1 My movie is a day late and I'm here to pay my dollar.
Staff Member #1 We have a 2 day grace period. You don't have any fines.
Patron #1 No, it's a dollar. Here!
Staff Member #1 No. ma'am. You. don't. owe. any. money.
Patron #1 Take it! Y'all aren't gonna get me like that!
Staff Member #1 Ma'am, I can't. take. your money. I would get. in. trouble.
Patron #1 Well, y'all better not come back at me for this! I tried to pay it! Don't think you can come back at me later for it! You hear me?!

Patron #2 What do you mean I can't renew it? It didn't have a hold on it the last time I renewed it!
Staff Member #1 Ma'am, someone can place a request on it at any time. They could have done it 5 minutes after you renewed it last time.
Patron #2 But I renewed it last time!
Staff member #1 Yes. And the hold was put on AFTER you renewed it.
Patron #2 Well, I'm not done reading it!
Staff Member #1 Ma'am, you still have 2 weeks left before it's due.
Patron #2 But I want to renew it! I don't understand!
Staff Member #1 Ma'am, let me get a supervisor for you.

Patron #3 Well I turned them in a month ago to the "X" library! (X=next town over that our system is NOT affiliated with)
Staff Member #2 Ma'am, we do have a reciprocal agreement with them, and they do send our materials back to us, but we don't have any control over when they do that.
Patron #3 Well, they should have sent them back to you by now!
Staff Member #2 I know that's frustrating. Maybe if you went over and asked if they still have them, you could just bring them back instead of having to wait?
Patron #3 This is just so not fair! I have a fee on my account now, and I returned them a month ago!
Staff Member #2 Well, the charge will come down signifigantly when the books are checked in.
Patron #3 What?!
Staff Member #2 When the books are checked in, the cost of the books will come off your account and you'll only have to pay overdue fines.
Patron #3 But I turned them in a MONTH AGO!
Staff Member #2 (gently) Ma'am, we can't take them off when they are returned to another library system.

To repeat a phrase seen often on the interwebs, these people breed and they vote!

Things That Were Texted to Me

A friend on vacation texts me about watching the pelicans, cormorants, and gulls fishing in the ocean. She says that's way too much work, and they should just go to the local buffet, lol. She follows that shortly with her nephew's comment, "How do you think the fish feels? He's swimming along and then...whoosh! 'I'm flying!'"

"Going to a Southern Baptist school is like going to a Cowboys fans school. They manage to bring it up in EVERY conversation/lesson, even when it has nothing to do with what's going on."

"I'm at Walmart. Girl is wearing gray see-through leggings and a pink thong. She isn't small." (Of course I immediately suggested she get a picture for the People-of-Walmart website! Duh!)

Texts you don't want to get from your daughter:

"Apparently my underwear helps my pants stay up. I'm wearing a thong today and they slip down more than usual."
"Do YOU know what it feels like to straddle a 31 degree keg in shorts? I do! :)" [In her defense, she works bar-back for a restaurant. But it sounds so bad!]

Cybersex? At least buy me a software update first!

Our power was out at the 'berry for almost a week due to a bad underground cable. This in and of itself was an adventure in watching people walk past 'CLOSED' signs, impromptu blockades, and our Bookmobile parked out front, trying to get into the building.

When we opened back up, one patron had apparently suffered serious withdrawals from his 'online dating service.' He decided to have a private party right there at the computer! He was told that since this was his first offense, he was banned for the rest of the day and any other infractions of the same type would result in him being banned for 6 months. (I know you're thinking "WHAT?!?!?" But that's how our policy works. :/) After refusing to give his name, he was promptly escorted from the building. All the way out, he kept asking if we'd let it slide this once since he's mentally handicapped! Well, that was pretty obvious, but uh, NO! He then proceeded to call us, ask for the manager, complain that we had not been understanding of his handicap, ask again for the ban to be rescinded, and then GIVE HIS NAME, ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER so the big boss in administration could contact him about his complaints!!!!! He was contacted all right: city P.D. showed up at his door with a complaint about his public indecency!

Meanwhile, the computer has been decontaminated, given a thorough exam, and is in counseling for the trauma.

Guest Post - Zombies!

Today, I joined my mom at the library for a few hours while I waited for my car to be ready at a nearby mechanic. We were about twenty minutes early and children of librarians do not receive special privileges, so I had to wait out front until the doors were unlocked at 9:00. It didn’t seem like it would be too bad. There was a bench to sit on, it was sunny, and the humidity wasn’t oppressing.

I waited alone for a few minutes, and then a woman walked up the sidewalk and sat on the other end of the bench. As the minutes passed, it started. A few people at a time made their way to various spots in front of the door, standing. Staring. Then a few more. And a few more. Suddenly, at about 7 minutes ‘til, hoards of people appeared out of nowhere, shuffling intently towards the front doors of the library. And the cars! All of a sudden the parking lot was full! All of them parked facing the building, their occupants unmoving, just staring at the doors. It was unnerving! At 8:59, it began to look like a George Romero film, or maybe Shaun of the Dead. The ones who drove all got out of their cars to join those already waiting on the sidewalk. It was eerily silent. No one said “Good morning” or “Hello.” No one waved or gave a nod. When someone came into the lobby to unlock the doors, the patrons shuffled closer, jockeying and stumbling, trying to be the first one inside. It was rather frightening. Were they even going to let the door get all the way open? Would the worker be able to get out of the way? 

When the crush had passed, I followed warily behind them. The people at the desks greeted them as they passed. Any response was an unintelligible grunt. It could have been “’Puter.” It could have been “Brains.”

Needless to say, the next time I have to wait outside for the library to open, I’m bringing my trusty shovel along. Just in case.

Quote of the Day - The Interwebs

When told about an online contest the 'berry system is doing, the patron replied "Oh, but I'm not on the world wide web. Just the internet."

Yes, she said each word that distinctly and she was dead serious. Almost apologetic, even, for not participating.

Picks of the Week

Bookmark: An Army Strong Decal, the kind that goes in the back window of your car to support a loved one in the service. Kinda makes me sad that it was left like that, though...

Giggle: The woman who came to the desk and asked to "borrow some wipe out."

Demanding Patron: The staff member covering the computer desk had run into a problem and snagged our computer 'specialist' (System jargon for the guy who uses more social media, gaming stuff and has more of the latest gadgets at home than any of the rest of us. He is constantly amused that so far he has no diploma or certificate for computer training. He's a great guy.) to help her. This was a learning moment for the patron and the staffer, and we really do prefer to learn the solutions when the problems occur just so we don't have to rely on one person for all the answers. If he weren't available next time, we'd be up the creek!
So it's taking a few minutes, and this woman walks up to them. "I've been sitting over there waving and waving for you! Is there a button with a red flashing light somewhere I can push to get your attention?!"

What Not to Wear to the 'Berry Part Deux

We have previously addressed how you should holster your girls when you come to the 'berry. Today we will address covering the lower half of your torso. Namely, booty shorts.
Rule #1: You NEVER look as good as you think you do! Trust me. This is the 'berry, not the club. There is no alcohol induced haze to smooth out those stretch marks, cellulite dimples, muffin tops, etc.
Rule #2: If you have to pull your shorts out of your crack every 3 steps, you have a problem! Picking your butt in public is a no-no, so go put on something that fits!
Rule #3: Speaking of fitting, if you are sticking out more than a 1/4 inch over the waistband of your shorts, or the crease between you leg and your buttock shows, THEY'RE TOO SMALL!!! I don't want to hear how you only have muffin top 'cause you're bloated! If that's the case wear something else 'til it's gone! And quite frankly, I don't want to see as much of your butt as I do at the beach, so cover all of it when you come in to where I work please! No letting it all hang out, I don't care how toned or shapely it is. You're either going to get hit on by some major sleazes, or stabbed in a jealous fit by those of us who haven't had a cute butt since toddlerhood! (Yes, we are haters.)
Rule #4: Coin slots are not attractive! We didn't like it when it was called plumber's crack and we don't like it now. No, calling it ass cleavage does not make it sexy. And if it's surrounded by stretchmarks, it's even worse. My stretchmarks are a badge of honor for bearing my children, but that's only to me and their father. The general public doesn't care. And they don't want to see yours either!
Finally, Rule #5: No camel toes! Yugh! Not only is it unsightly and offensive, but do you know the invitation you are issuing to all kinds of nasty little microbes? They will take up residence and then we'll have to SMELL you, too! Gross!