Guest Post - Zombies!

Today, I joined my mom at the library for a few hours while I waited for my car to be ready at a nearby mechanic. We were about twenty minutes early and children of librarians do not receive special privileges, so I had to wait out front until the doors were unlocked at 9:00. It didn’t seem like it would be too bad. There was a bench to sit on, it was sunny, and the humidity wasn’t oppressing.

I waited alone for a few minutes, and then a woman walked up the sidewalk and sat on the other end of the bench. As the minutes passed, it started. A few people at a time made their way to various spots in front of the door, standing. Staring. Then a few more. And a few more. Suddenly, at about 7 minutes ‘til, hoards of people appeared out of nowhere, shuffling intently towards the front doors of the library. And the cars! All of a sudden the parking lot was full! All of them parked facing the building, their occupants unmoving, just staring at the doors. It was unnerving! At 8:59, it began to look like a George Romero film, or maybe Shaun of the Dead. The ones who drove all got out of their cars to join those already waiting on the sidewalk. It was eerily silent. No one said “Good morning” or “Hello.” No one waved or gave a nod. When someone came into the lobby to unlock the doors, the patrons shuffled closer, jockeying and stumbling, trying to be the first one inside. It was rather frightening. Were they even going to let the door get all the way open? Would the worker be able to get out of the way? 

When the crush had passed, I followed warily behind them. The people at the desks greeted them as they passed. Any response was an unintelligible grunt. It could have been “’Puter.” It could have been “Brains.”

Needless to say, the next time I have to wait outside for the library to open, I’m bringing my trusty shovel along. Just in case.

Quote of the Day - The Interwebs

When told about an online contest the 'berry system is doing, the patron replied "Oh, but I'm not on the world wide web. Just the internet."

Yes, she said each word that distinctly and she was dead serious. Almost apologetic, even, for not participating.

Picks of the Week

Bookmark: An Army Strong Decal, the kind that goes in the back window of your car to support a loved one in the service. Kinda makes me sad that it was left like that, though...

Giggle: The woman who came to the desk and asked to "borrow some wipe out."

Demanding Patron: The staff member covering the computer desk had run into a problem and snagged our computer 'specialist' (System jargon for the guy who uses more social media, gaming stuff and has more of the latest gadgets at home than any of the rest of us. He is constantly amused that so far he has no diploma or certificate for computer training. He's a great guy.) to help her. This was a learning moment for the patron and the staffer, and we really do prefer to learn the solutions when the problems occur just so we don't have to rely on one person for all the answers. If he weren't available next time, we'd be up the creek!
So it's taking a few minutes, and this woman walks up to them. "I've been sitting over there waving and waving for you! Is there a button with a red flashing light somewhere I can push to get your attention?!"

What Not to Wear to the 'Berry Part Deux

We have previously addressed how you should holster your girls when you come to the 'berry. Today we will address covering the lower half of your torso. Namely, booty shorts.
Rule #1: You NEVER look as good as you think you do! Trust me. This is the 'berry, not the club. There is no alcohol induced haze to smooth out those stretch marks, cellulite dimples, muffin tops, etc.
Rule #2: If you have to pull your shorts out of your crack every 3 steps, you have a problem! Picking your butt in public is a no-no, so go put on something that fits!
Rule #3: Speaking of fitting, if you are sticking out more than a 1/4 inch over the waistband of your shorts, or the crease between you leg and your buttock shows, THEY'RE TOO SMALL!!! I don't want to hear how you only have muffin top 'cause you're bloated! If that's the case wear something else 'til it's gone! And quite frankly, I don't want to see as much of your butt as I do at the beach, so cover all of it when you come in to where I work please! No letting it all hang out, I don't care how toned or shapely it is. You're either going to get hit on by some major sleazes, or stabbed in a jealous fit by those of us who haven't had a cute butt since toddlerhood! (Yes, we are haters.)
Rule #4: Coin slots are not attractive! We didn't like it when it was called plumber's crack and we don't like it now. No, calling it ass cleavage does not make it sexy. And if it's surrounded by stretchmarks, it's even worse. My stretchmarks are a badge of honor for bearing my children, but that's only to me and their father. The general public doesn't care. And they don't want to see yours either!
Finally, Rule #5: No camel toes! Yugh! Not only is it unsightly and offensive, but do you know the invitation you are issuing to all kinds of nasty little microbes? They will take up residence and then we'll have to SMELL you, too! Gross!

I Don't Really Want This

Lady walks up to the desk and asks about getting a library card. I direct her to the computer where she can fill out the application, and she comes back momentarily. Except we look a little incompetent because we're telling her it didn't print and then discover the printer needed paper. (Mind you, 99% of the time, if it didn't print, it's operator error. But she doesn't know this, so we just look stupid. Sigh.) Then she proceeds to complain because she doesn't want to create a password and sign for computer access. "I'm sorry, but the application will not finalize unless I enter a PIN." Well, she's only doing this because her husband wants a book, and she doesn't need our computers. "I understand you don't need to use our computers. This does allow you to renew your items online from home, and to request items you want, too." She snatches back the app, fills in her password, signs her name and writes a dissertation on the app about how she was forced to do this under protest. "Ma'am, would you like the free card or the card for $1 today?" The free one is one more than she wants! O-kay. Now I'm having to work hard at not telling her that if this is such a burden on her, maybe she should've brought her husband's card to check the book out, OR if she's going to be nasty, go home and let him come get it himself. However, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I do hope your husband is happy with the book." Now get out and make sure he's the one who comes in next time! Grr! The thing is, I'm sure what will happen is he's going to forget to turn the book in on time or renew it, then she's going to get a letter that it's overdue and has fines, and then she's going to go from snidely unpleasant to downright vicious, because she never wanted it in the first place. The petty pleasure will come when we can tell her she is responsible for the things on the card in her name, she could have called any branch to renew it, and - oh, gee, look! You can check your account on line and renew it from the comfort of your own home! Wow! (Yes, I have a streak of that in me. Mwahahahaha!)

My partner immediately follows with a young woman who wants to use the computers? "Do you have a local library card?" "I had one in Texas when I was a little girl." It was all I could do to keep from bursting into laughter right then. After sending her over to the application computer, my partner turns to me and asks, "Does this look like Texas?!" I couldn't stop myself. "No, but didn't you know we're part of the national library system?" It's hard to look professional when the two of us are snorting and giggling over this. Oh well. For the rest of the day, any question was answered with "Does this look like Texas?" or "This ain't Texas!" The things we do to hang on to our sanity.

The latest bookmark: a 5 year old date due slip. Seriously, people can barely hang on to their new ones once they walk out the doors! This had no notes, or special markings. Just a plain printed slip. I'm rather impressed it was kept this long.

What Not to Wear @ Your 'Berry

Yet another assault on common sense in fashion was made today. This woman came in wearing a bathing suit as a dress. Nope. Not joking. She's walking towards me in this floral print mini dress, or so I thought, and the garish Hawaiian floral print makes me look twice. Then the 'bodice' strikes me oddly. And as I look at her more closely, I realize it's one of those bathing suits with the strings you can pull to shorten the sides of the 'dress' that's supposed to help cover flaws in one's lower half. Something like this:

Underwear as outerwear. Pajamas. Now bathing suits as dresses. Lord help us.



And while thankfully this woman wasn't committing the crime of wearing talcum as a fashion accessory, I saw plenty of it caked across bosoms and back that were inadequately covered by tank tops or tube tops. Does nobody understand how to dust that on?!

In other news...
Today's bookmark was multiplication flash cards.

Annoying People (& Bookmarks)

Had a guy come to the computer desk and ask me if it was "humanly possible" to give him his library information so he could get on the computers. Um, sure, and here ya go. And then he came back and asked me if it was "humanly possible" to get his PIN. And then a few minutes later was it "humanly possible" to print? He must have come to the desk at least 5 times, and he prefaced EVERY question with "Is it humanly possible...?" WTHeck!?!? At some point this will be amusing, but right then, I reeeeally wanted to tell him it was humanly possible, but becoming less probable every time he said it

Then there was the woman in the children's area with her son. She's an obnoxiously loud, and kind of difficult, regular; we cringe when she walks in the door. She's reading an I Spy book to her 3yr old. "I spy a brown animal. Do you see the brown dog? I spy an animal with 8 legs. See the spider?" I SO wanted to tell her that an animal with 8 legs would be an octopus, not a spider. Two hours later, when her son is tired and hungry and letting the whole 'berry know at the top of his lungs, she's yelling over him, "Be quiet! I mean it! Be quiet right now! We're in the lieberry!" Yeah, you are, so, way to set an example, mom!

The guy from It Might Be Cheaper Pt. 2 was back. He checked out his dvds, and then wanted a rubber band to keep them together. Okay, fine. "Wait, give me another one to wrap the other direction." Sigh. Demand much? Give him another one. "Do you have an opaque bag I can put these in?" Excuse me? "An opaque bag. You know, not see through. Like a paper bag. I want to go to the grocery store, and I want to put these in an opaque bag to take in with me." Not sure why people think repeating words that way is helpful, but it's NOT. I do know what opaque means. And if I didn't, your saying it over and over wouldn't tell me. I don't care why you want it, either. None of my business. Besides, it's not like you checked out porn. Biting my cheek, I explain we sell plastic bags for 50 cents and the canvas bags for $2. "Don't you just have a bag around?" No. "Well, I'll figure out something." You do that, buddy. Like next time, bring those same rubber bands back with you to use again, and bring your own bag. Why do people think the 'berry is the place for free office supplies? While I appreciate thrift, that's just darn cheap!

And to top off annoying people at the 'berry, the guy who came in with the surgical/allergy mask on, whose girlfriend explained to us while he was using the water fountain, that he has the mumps. WHAT?! Keep that mess at home! And for crying out loud, if you have to wear the mask, ya think maybe you shouldn't be using the public water fountain?!! Good grief, people!

The bookmarks? The wrapper off a bottle of water, and a prepaid card for a local laundromat chain.