Friday, September 16, 2011

Guest Post - Zombies!

Today, I joined my mom at the library for a few hours while I waited for my car to be ready at a nearby mechanic. We were about twenty minutes early and children of librarians do not receive special privileges, so I had to wait out front until the doors were unlocked at 9:00. It didn’t seem like it would be too bad. There was a bench to sit on, it was sunny, and the humidity wasn’t oppressing.

I waited alone for a few minutes, and then a woman walked up the sidewalk and sat on the other end of the bench. As the minutes passed, it started. A few people at a time made their way to various spots in front of the door, standing. Staring. Then a few more. And a few more. Suddenly, at about 7 minutes ‘til, hoards of people appeared out of nowhere, shuffling intently towards the front doors of the library. And the cars! All of a sudden the parking lot was full! All of them parked facing the building, their occupants unmoving, just staring at the doors. It was unnerving! At 8:59, it began to look like a George Romero film, or maybe Shaun of the Dead. The ones who drove all got out of their cars to join those already waiting on the sidewalk. It was eerily silent. No one said “Good morning” or “Hello.” No one waved or gave a nod. When someone came into the lobby to unlock the doors, the patrons shuffled closer, jockeying and stumbling, trying to be the first one inside. It was rather frightening. Were they even going to let the door get all the way open? Would the worker be able to get out of the way? 

When the crush had passed, I followed warily behind them. The people at the desks greeted them as they passed. Any response was an unintelligible grunt. It could have been “’Puter.” It could have been “Brains.”

Needless to say, the next time I have to wait outside for the library to open, I’m bringing my trusty shovel along. Just in case.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Quote of the Day - The Interwebs

When told about an online contest the 'berry system is doing, the patron replied "Oh, but I'm not on the world wide web. Just the internet."

Yes, she said each word that distinctly and she was dead serious. Almost apologetic, even, for not participating.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Picks of the Week

Bookmark: An Army Strong Decal, the kind that goes in the back window of your car to support a loved one in the service. Kinda makes me sad that it was left like that, though...

Giggle: The woman who came to the desk and asked to "borrow some wipe out."

Demanding Patron: The staff member covering the computer desk had run into a problem and snagged our computer 'specialist' (System jargon for the guy who uses more social media, gaming stuff and has more of the latest gadgets at home than any of the rest of us. He is constantly amused that so far he has no diploma or certificate for computer training. He's a great guy.) to help her. This was a learning moment for the patron and the staffer, and we really do prefer to learn the solutions when the problems occur just so we don't have to rely on one person for all the answers. If he weren't available next time, we'd be up the creek!
So it's taking a few minutes, and this woman walks up to them. "I've been sitting over there waving and waving for you! Is there a button with a red flashing light somewhere I can push to get your attention?!"

Thursday, September 1, 2011

What Not to Wear to the 'Berry Part Deux

We have previously addressed how you should holster your girls when you come to the 'berry. Today we will address covering the lower half of your torso. Namely, booty shorts.
Rule #1: You NEVER look as good as you think you do! Trust me. This is the 'berry, not the club. There is no alcohol induced haze to smooth out those stretch marks, cellulite dimples, muffin tops, etc.

Rule #2: If you have to pull your shorts out of your crack every 3 steps, you have a problem! Picking your butt in public is a no-no, so go put on something that fits!
Rule #3: Speaking of fitting, if you are sticking out more than a 1/4 inch over the waistband of your shorts, or the crease between you leg and your buttock shows, THEY'RE TOO SMALL!!! I don't want to hear how you only have muffin top 'cause you're bloated! If that's the case wear something else 'til it's gone! And quite frankly, I don't want to see as much of your butt as I do at the beach, so cover all of it when you come in to where I work please! No letting it all hang out, I don't care how toned or shapely it is. You're either going to get hit on by some major sleazes, or stabbed in a jealous fit by those of us who haven't had a cute butt since toddlerhood! (Yes, we are haters.)
Rule #4: Coin slots are not attractive! We didn't like it when it was called plumber's crack and we don't like it now. No, calling it ass cleavage does not make it sexy. And if it's surrounded by stretchmarks, it's even worse. My stretchmarks are a badge of honor for bearing my children, but that's only to me and their father. The general public doesn't care. And they don't want to see yours either!
Finally, Rule #5: No camel toes! Yugh! Not only is it unsightly and offensive, but do you know the invitation you are issuing to all kinds of nasty little microbes? They will take up residence and then we'll have to SMELL you, too! Gross!