Thursday, September 1, 2011

What Not to Wear to the 'Berry Part Deux

We have previously addressed how you should holster your girls when you come to the 'berry. Today we will address covering the lower half of your torso. Namely, booty shorts.
Rule #1: You NEVER look as good as you think you do! Trust me. This is the 'berry, not the club. There is no alcohol induced haze to smooth out those stretch marks, cellulite dimples, muffin tops, etc.

Rule #2: If you have to pull your shorts out of your crack every 3 steps, you have a problem! Picking your butt in public is a no-no, so go put on something that fits!
Rule #3: Speaking of fitting, if you are sticking out more than a 1/4 inch over the waistband of your shorts, or the crease between you leg and your buttock shows, THEY'RE TOO SMALL!!! I don't want to hear how you only have muffin top 'cause you're bloated! If that's the case wear something else 'til it's gone! And quite frankly, I don't want to see as much of your butt as I do at the beach, so cover all of it when you come in to where I work please! No letting it all hang out, I don't care how toned or shapely it is. You're either going to get hit on by some major sleazes, or stabbed in a jealous fit by those of us who haven't had a cute butt since toddlerhood! (Yes, we are haters.)
Rule #4: Coin slots are not attractive! We didn't like it when it was called plumber's crack and we don't like it now. No, calling it ass cleavage does not make it sexy. And if it's surrounded by stretchmarks, it's even worse. My stretchmarks are a badge of honor for bearing my children, but that's only to me and their father. The general public doesn't care. And they don't want to see yours either!
Finally, Rule #5: No camel toes! Yugh! Not only is it unsightly and offensive, but do you know the invitation you are issuing to all kinds of nasty little microbes? They will take up residence and then we'll have to SMELL you, too! Gross!

No comments:

Post a Comment